I am a girl and I don't know what that means anymore...

I am a girl. A girl who has always lived in a metropolis environment, who has had the free reign to gain an education I aspired to have. A girl who has had the fortune to be a born into a fairly accepting and open minded family, where I had certain rules to follow but was allowed to be the person I wanted to be. A girl who has not seen the women of her family clad from head to toe but instead dressed as one felt comfortable, who has kept traditional wear as something associated with functions and festivals. A girl who has grown up in an environment where moderation is key but having a drink isn’t a crime, where the occasional glass of wine or bottle of beer has been favored by most.

I am a girl. A girl who has been allowed to have friends who are boys, who I have grown up playing sports with, who I have extensively used public transport with. A girl who was told very early on that a driver and car isn’t at her disposable and to learn how to use the local train as a daily mode of transport, to use the rickshaws and taxi’s whenever it was needed. A girl who is allowed to stay out late at night just as long as the parents know where I am headed and have given a time I will be back, who is allowed to travel by herself without a person maneuvering her every move.

I am a girl. A girl who has had the opportunity to live in a foreign land all by herself, who has taken care of rent, utilities, groceries and everything else in between. A girl who has grown up knowing that while bad people exist out there, the world is primarily made up of people like you and me. A girl who has always thought that if I keep to myself and be my own person it is my right and another has no business in it. A girl who has been allowed the same privileges her brother has, who has been given the same upbringing and who is allowed to choose a career that she deemed fit for herself.

I am a girl. A girl who is suddenly realizing that all her life she lived in a myth, was lied to and nothing is really as it seems. A girl who is now told that if she wears a sleeveless top or a short skirt she is propositioning herself, asking to be raped or molested or looked at by a random eye. A girl who is learning that just because I go out to the bar, or hold a drink, I am giving permission to all the men present there to have a roving eye because they apparently are unable to hold their testosterone or alcohol. A girl who is now aware that having guys as friends or being in a relationship with someone means that she is an open invitation to all the boys she hangs out with because if you are for one, apparently you are for all.

I am a girl. A girl who now fears opening the newspaper for being told another woman was stabbed to death because someone else’s husband thought his wife was cheating on him. A girl who is getting aware of the reality that if she breaks up with someone the guy might come by and throw acid on her face. A girl who is scared to walk the streets at night for she doesn’t know from where a group of guys may pounce on her and treat her as their treasured prey. A girl who worries writing her thoughts on a social networking site for she doesn’t know who is monitoring it anymore. A girl whose parents now worry when she leaves home and are worried till she is back in her room at night.

I am girl. And apparently that gives you the right to pass lewd remarks, to be crude, to stare, and to maybe even molest me or rape me if you think I am sending such a signal to you.

I am girl and I don’t know what that means anymore… Maybe you do?

Being Yourself

Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you've been, and remember the person you are meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

As One Tree Hill comes to an end I decided to revisit some of the quotes and voiceovers it had. For some reason many of them have had a profound impact on me and many still continue to make me realize what my heart wants me to believe. Maybe it is because I was 15 when I first started seeing the series or maybe it is because like to find meanings in words but there is something about the above quote that always gets to me, making me realize that the façade most of us wear every single day, the words we speak, the analyzing we do, the way we behave mean very little in the longer scheme of things. Because what really matters, in my opinion, is the bigger picture, the doing good to others and believing that good will come back to you, in following your heart and convincing your head that it is the way to go, in realizing that no one knows you better than yourself and what the world says is merely their version of what they want to see you as.

Maybe I am an idealist, maybe I am someone who still believes in the happily ever after, maybe I always think there is a silver lining at the end of the dark clouds but the thing I can say for sure is that nothing has given me more happiness and contentment than the days and the moments I am true to myself. The world is out there to convince us we are wrong, that we are not good enough, that we deserve to be miserable because that is what the way of life is and then there are some people who influence us, who give us confidence in our capabilities, who accept our vision and help us surge ahead. Finding the difference between these two types – the world at large and the ones who let us be us – is something only very few of us are fortunate to accomplish in our entire lifetime.

Which brings me to essence of the thought, is it really that hard to be ourselves? Is it really that difficult to accept our deepest darkest desires and work towards it? Are our dreams really that unachievable that instead of putting all our faith and belief into them we dissect them, belittle them? Is it really unacceptable to simply accept yourself? Even the mere fleeting thought of giving reality to our dreams and hopes and beliefs scares us. But how many of us have truly experienced at least one moment in our lives when we are simply our own person, without pretense, lies, confusion, disbelief and every other emotion we experience day in and day out and not felt euphoric and exhilarated in that moment? Then why are we so afraid of feeling that euphoria, that exhilaration, that contentment more often? Why are we not the person we want to be, the person we really are more often?

I have a lot of unanswered questions and it is in these questions I attempt to find a little more of who I truly am, to get the courage to embrace myself and to unapologetic about it. Someday I hope to resonate the quote as the truth of my life.